The in-between years¶

July 2017 to January 2019¶

I’ve become completely dependent on valium. I cannot go to work and be around people without it due to the anxiety I’m suffering.
I am trying to micro-dose as much as possible but I need it every day.
It is valium bought online so I’m not even sure what it is exactly.
My family is impossible to live with.

2018¶

A level tutorials¶

I did a lot of online tutorials.
There was a curious hardware incident one time where whenever I burped, or whatever was going on inside my belly was repeated into my earphones.
I said to my student: sorry, did you hear that, when I burped and it was like thunder.
And he didn’t seem to notice.
Wow!
Relationship <3
Family.

A student with a rape database¶

One of my students in East Finchley had an excel database of girls he was going to rape.
It depressed me immensely.
His friend in Muswell Hill then scheduled one class with me, and took the piss throughout as if he was amazed I knew anything, then canceled classes right after.
I felt like a side-show freak with this rude boy.
His friend was a nice boy, apart from the rape database which he seemed to have shown me on purpose by accident.
Did these rich boys due to take their place in the tech-bro priesthood over the next years already have criminal porn subscriptions?
Or do the foolish boys, with nothing in the world to tell them it’s a very bad idea, get to log in for free, locking themselves into conspiracy, blackmail, and exploitation (depression and a higher chance of suicide) for the rest of their lives?

September 2018¶

Hired for sport, again¶

I start contracting for a company called Adaptive in the city on Tuesday 28^th August after the late summer bank holiday.
I interview really well, splendidly, the job sounds amazing, I’m going to be doing so much interesting work, the day rate is fantastic, everyone is so nice, I’m delighted.
The first day, the persecution begins.
It’s my first morning in the office, I’ve been there 10 minutes, and I’m being introduced to everyone.
Harsha, a close colleague, has not even said hello or introduced himself yet.
He looks at me in an unfriendly way, and he rubs his chin and shakes his head a little, making an expression that says very clearly: I have no faith in you.
From that moment, I’m the target for bullying, from all sides.
An hour has not yet gone by in my new role.
At lunch on the first day, the boss Olivier takes everyone out for lunch because that’s how they welcome newcomers.
Olivier pays for everyone’s lunch, but not mine.
Even the very few women, mostly admin staff, are tasked with mucking in.
Harsha is unusually keen to interrogate me about my PhD and becomes triumphant when he knows more about my subject than I do.
The thing is, I cannot respond to this sort of aggression.
Curiously, I was cyber-stalked by X accounts with that theme during the online oppression from September 2023.
I’m beginning to wonder about your PhD, said one.
It seems that many of those fake accounts that harassed me during this time - and while I was regularly sedated, drugged, and poisoned in my own home - were tech colleagues and the tech-bro pornocracy in general.
At the Adaptive office, I go quiet, trying to figure out what to do.
I know if I complain, they’ll fire me.
I’m seriously unhappy in this role.
I’m pretty much made a secretary again too. It wouldn’t be so bad if they were nice about it, but something else was going on.
One day I’m working from home and I’m requested to attend a meeting in which I’m TOTALLY ignored for two hours.
My brother comes down and says, “made you a secretary again have they?” … and that is also quite curious.
The reason I say that is because at that time, and for many years, my brother utterly despised me and rarely spoke to me at all.
This hatred, curiously, began in Thailand and I wonder what really prompted it. You see, we had sort of become friends again in 2009 in Koh Samui, and any male support for an online tech-colleague porn-target would have to be dealt with.
I know he met a British man in Lamai in 2010 (the year of Jitendra Das and Mike Wenham) who egged him into getting extraordinarily high every day and he had a sort of mini-breakdown and I had to go and rescue him with the Thai police.
I wonder if the man who set my brother up with debilitating medication that Christmas in Lamai was the same man who bared his teeth at me in the Spa Resorts restaurant at Christmas 2024.
I guess they targeted my brother so assiduously in 2010 to ensure I have no male support.
Did they keep an open channel of communication with him, that they could rely upon when and if necessary?
Back at Adaptive on one occasion they ask me what I think of Elon Musk.
I tell them I think he’s a bit of a dick, and everyone laughs.
Anyway, I’m fired on the anniversary of a suicide attempt, November 6^th or 7^th.
The very same day.
For no particular reason.
A couple of days before, the women go out for lunch together and they make sure I see that I’m not included.
At the time, I think that they’ve just decided they don’t like me, and they seem to have made that decision the moment I walked through the door.
It’s utterly irrational though. Pure hatred.
I have no clue that this repeated pattern I experience in tech roles could be related to the criminal activities of the Cano Lopez’s and Smith’s in baby-rape capital of the world, Dénia Spain where they now have a functioning porn-studio in a school, and where we’re probably going to find thousands of missing persons, presumed dead, in a field up there.
The tech-bro pornocracy probably don’t care about that, especially those with a taste for the murder-porn.
And no-one’s ever gonna target their kids are they, or is that naive.
Perhaps the porn-gangs do target the kids of the pornocracy, maybe for those valuable incest subscriptions; maybe even very famous kids …
Anyway, this firing is a psycho-emotional blow like no other, and I become immediately severely suicidal.
I’m guessing this is exacerbated online too.
Indeed, for a couple of years online I have been talking a lot about suicide-attempt anniversaries and how difficult they are.
When I say that, I don’t mean publicly either, I mean in private chats with friends or perhaps in personal writings, but mostly in Google searches and research and reading I might do online.
Suicide anniversaries were another theme that came up in 2023 and I can only assume this means a female-tech-colleague porn-target’s suicide is a desired end result.
Perhaps they run polls to see what porn-subscribers would prefer to see happen to their favorite stars, and pay the most for?
Did my tech-colleagues want me to commit suicide? Were they hoping for that? Or did they prefer to see me running around a field naked after a horse?
Would they have snickered?
I actually try to find a way to take Adaptive to court but it’s pretty impossible as a limited company contractor.
I attend a CAB consultation, I open a case with the government employment service, I write to my professional organization the IEEE who ignore me, of course; there’s a bunch of documentation all over the place on this.
At the risk of endlessly and uselessly defending myself against people who loathe me and everything I do, I won’t detail anymore of their professional-terrorism tactics.
I do a 7-day fast and detox at Sura Detox in Devon which may have been life saving.
Nevertheless, my mind is on a suicide-loop, and the Valium is now exacerbating this, except I’m hopelessly addicted to it.

Dark web live action games that target people to make them commit suicide

I’m beginning to wonder what other forms of evil do porn-addicts get their boners from these days.
I keep thinking of British Jess at the Buddhist retreat centre near Avila at Christmas.
Was she a gone wrong porn-addict?

Looking back, I believe two men may have had intentions of getting me into a sexual relationship at the office. The first man “popped up” on the first day and I just got this awful feeling from him. It had been planned he would sit with us but then he didn’t. A couple of weeks later another guy joins, the web developer, and sits in front of me. I liked him, not romantically obviously, but he seemed like a cool guy. I just wonder about him now… or maybe they were hoping something would happen and then they’d bring him in. He never replied to my messages after I left.
Also, Jo, another developer there was the husband of an Iyengar yoga teacher from Maida Vale, my yoga school. I wonder if he noticed what was going on for me?

Trezor and other stuff¶

I remember this guy visiting us from Trezor.
I had been asked to attend this meeting; no particular reason why, they hated me.
I remember being interested in this curious contraption he had, which I thought was his private key thingumy, but he said it was his vaper.
I’m just wondering. Could I have been sedated at work? Is is possible? Are they THAT bold?
A few weird memories of being totally out of it; explainable in my mind by the miniscule amounts of valium I was taking, like miniscule, online mail order stuff, though.
Totally out of it at my desk.
A weird moment in the women’s, someone brushing past me.
This event with Trezor where afterwards someone is very angry with me for no reason.

December 2018¶

I’m heading off to France for Christmas by car.
I get a huge wad of cash for my trip ready.
It’s in an envelope resting on the top of my handbag.
I haven’t closed my handbag.
I’m using my phone, the camera is operational; anyone with a view from my hacked phone camera will see the wad of cash at the top of my handbag as I’m constantly using the phone with the camera pointed to my handbag sitting on the table in front of me.
I was probably pointing the phone’s camera at the top of my handbag for hours.
Eventually, I leave the house and go outside to the car.
A man is approaching me from the top of the street.
He’s on the pavement, then he sees me and steps out on the road, walking towards me, smiling at me, saying something weird.
I don’t like the look of him, at all.
Black hair, pale skin, medium build, a little overweight, about 45.
He walks towards me and he’s getting really close.
I can’t remember what he’s saying, something ridiculous I told Jan about. It’ll be in the records.
He’s about a metre away from me now, and reaches his hand towards my open handbag which I have hanging on my arm.
It’s very surprising and I feel threatened.
At that moment, my neighbor across from us, Charlie, comes out of his house (which I’m parked right outside).
The man turns and leaves very quickly.
He literally had his hand very nearly in my bag; as if he knew what was in there!
I report the incident to the local community police officer Jan.
She says; oh he was probably just a bit drunk and being friendly!
I think he was going to rob me and he had inside information about the 500+ euros in the top of my bag from his associates who were hacking my phone, seeing the money, and monitoring my every move.
Why not ay?, they probably thought.
Perhaps they made a huge loss on the lack of my suicide after I got sacked from Adaptive and were annoyed with me.

January 2019¶

An old friend Willow comes round, I wonder what prompted her to visit, it was not a good time.
I don’t want to talk to her and I tell everyone at home that.
My mother is very keen I talk to her and badgers me to do so.
I go to talk to her.
Seeing Willow who was around during the rape-gang times in 1989 is very triggering for me and I wish people would have listened to me when I told them I did not want to see her.
Shortly after, no doubt with more online triggering, I take an overdose of valium and end up in A&E.
The drug nurse meets me the next morning and puts me into the drug rehabilitation system.
I quit valium and alcohol immediately.
I find out valium isn’t a drug you can die from later on. I’m much relieved about that.

February to June 2019¶

Online sleeping pills¶

Is this how they administer hallucinogens to the general public via the postal service?
If you took a sample of my mother’s sleeping pills she gets online, would you find ketamine in them?
wip.

Drugs rehab in Finchley Central¶

I’m working 3 days a week at a crypto firm FetchAI and going to outpatient rehab the other days in Finchley Central.
A colleague exposes himself online on Zoom to me at FetchAI. I guess another female-tech-colleague-you-hate porn upload.
Anyway.
Rehab is an AMAZING experience and incredibly helpful. Lifesaving.
I feel so safe there, like I have a whole new family.
It’s kind of inexplicable because, apart from me and a handful of others, the majority of service users are professional drug-addicted criminals.
You’d think I’d be the least safe in an environment like this, but this is not what my body is telling me.
In retrospect, I realize that none of these men could afford the kind of porn subscriptions my engineering tech colleagues have been paying for, so of course they won’t have seen me regularly in porn, and for that reason, the energy they give me is cleaner and I feel safe with them.
Perhaps they have suffered similarly too.
Although, on a couple of occasions, in group therapy, one of the participants might make a comment which seems to suggest they know what I’m watching on Netflix at the time, or what I’ve read online recently.
That could easily be a simple prompt from their drug dealer, I guess, and of course from the same criminal gangs that control the expensive subscriptions.
I see a psychotherapist once a week at Barnet Hospital.
I have no idea I’ve been continually sedated and raped for years in Spain, and this includes incest.
I believe my mental and emotional state is entirely due to my experience of the rape gangs in Tottenham in 1989.
I talk about that.
And I’m healing.
Something happens at home and I realize I have to get away from my family if I want to really heal.
I make plans to move to Ireland.
I’m choosing Ireland because I have connected with a trauma therapist who is going to be giving courses there from February 2020, Steve Terrell.
I’m still feeling suicidally depressed and anxious, but less so, and I’m not using any medication or drinking alcohol.

Fetch.AI¶

The crypto firm I work with is Fetch.AI in Cambridge.
One of the developers does something extremely weird while I’m there.
We have an online meeting set up first thing.
I turn up and put my zoom on.
His camera is under his desk pointing to his crotch.
He is sitting at his desk in his boxer shorts.
I ask him what’s going on.
He fixes his camera.
He doesn’t apologize or explain.
I laugh it off, as we women do knowing we can’t really complain because it’s just too much trouble and we need to work.
Furthermore, I am a contractor so I cannot make an official complaint about sexual harassment anyway.
Was this man connected up to online porn-addict communities and did he know who I was from the porn fatwa now getting out of control?
Did he upload that morning meeting to the tech-bro porn-networks?
James Dawes and his team use the word “Fetch” over and over in their October 2024 meeting at Polygon in 2024, which I believe was specifically done to terrorize and persecute me, with management’s awareness and complicity in the bigger story.

September 2019¶

Brother making sure I won’t come back looking for help once they’ve got their claws into me¶

I come back from Lourdes and Cauterets.
My brother behaves in conservatory-like ways; upsetting me on purpose.
I make green juice and leave it in the fridge.
When I get home from work the next day I take some.
After about an hour, I’m violently sick.
I ate nothing else since morning.
My brother hates me so much at that moment the idea of poisoning crosses my mind.
I’m horrified to even think it.
Nevertheless, I’m more determined than ever to leave, and it is my feeling I will never come back.
You know, all this makes dad and Robert’s very loud and drunken chats outside my door at 12.30am every night over this period about what a good bloke Hitler was, look a little different (I’m not sure I have a drop of loyalty left).

October 2019¶

I leave London.
The day I leave, my brother says something nasty sexist comment to me as I’m walking out of the door.
I have limited communication with my parents until October 2021 when I go no contact, I have no contact at all with my brother.

The forgivenet®¶

I build and deploy the forgivenet® crypto app.